All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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