i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
