did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
