When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
