Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
