ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
