I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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