i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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