First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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