my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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