3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
