my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
