Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
