planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
