I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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