I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
