Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
