There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
