her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up under a house in Key West
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