she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I think I am morally bankrupt
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
