when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
