dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
the liver wants what the liver wants
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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