5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I currently don't understand fingers.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
