Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
