Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
