if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
