i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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