Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Randomize