I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
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Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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