I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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