It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day