I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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