; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
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the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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