You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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