The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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