Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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