did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
