she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
