By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
