I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
