I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
