He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
