just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
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We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
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I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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