Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
