just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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