FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
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I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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