me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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