did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
