Your tits are I can't wait for
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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