I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
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Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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