just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
