How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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