I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
