Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
