last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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