I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
